Stories change lives especially true stories. @iamdankeeley is one very special chap and he shares his amazing and beautiful story with me tomorrow on the Positive Impact Podcast.⠀
To listen and subscribe click on my iTunes link in my bio above ☝
When my illness has stripped me of every badge of confidence I've ever obtained; when my illness has stolen the smiles of my face and the laughter of my heart; when my illness has broken down my physical ambitions; this invisible person slowly but surely reaches for my most prized possession.
I lay in bed and my face, cold to the touch, plants itself onto a wet spot of tears like a lasting impression.
I sometimes stew in silence, or I try to reconcile with illness.
Other times, I scream to the Lord, because surely He can't hear me and that's why He isn't fixing me of this truly torturous disorder. When my voice turns hoarse and I am faced with the somberness of how utterly alone I feel, I get a non-existent yet seemingly heavy tap on my shoulder. "Not you again", I whisper. As I put the blanket over my head. I am not alone, because illness is back and she laughs and tells me, "you're not a good mom." (Cont. in comments)
Actor Jon Hamm of Mad Men offers his perspective on depression, therapy, medication and mental health. At twenty years old, he had already lost both his parents, and needed help. He went on to be an extremely successful actor.
Follow @anxietyandstrength for more
It’s funny what a single text, song, sound, smell, image, voice, can do to trigger our brains; as someone who especially craves any kind of safe reality to latch onto, I subconsciously (and prematurely) associate positive feelings to experiences that I can’t control. This creates way more heartache and unpleasantness than I really need, but because of these microtraumas, it’s the only real “reality” I know how to navigate through and I sort of force myself through it. -
I think the hardest thing about being in touch with your emotions and dealing with depression/anxiety/bipolar is just how quickly, and perhaps more notably, or intensely, your mindset and mood can change in an instant; it’s like you forgot that just a moment ago, just yesterday, just last week, you were feeling OK. Or maybe just last week you were in the throes of a manic episode, feeling invincible, and now you’re sitting well below baseline everyday, feeling confused and defeated. But what I’m learning is that being present with your discomfort means you’re healing, and *that* in itself is progress. -
Thankfully, this week, I’m not in the valley of a depressive episode anymore, but it does prove difficult to look ahead—which as a Virgo isn’t something I like to accept lol—and anything has the potential of becoming a setback. I wish I didn’t have to deal with depression/anxiety, or bipolar disorder, but I wouldn’t be Ryan without them. And maybe I can use them as tools to build UP, instead of weapons to tear down. -
I’m OK, just thinking “out loud” lol just might be a little withdrawn for a bit 🖤 .
Friday was a huge day for me personally- I coached for the first time in 7 months!!! I’ve had countless people ask me what I’ve been up to since January and the truth is, I’ve just been taking care of myself.
Many of you know at least a part of my story from what I’ve shared since being hospitalized back in October 2017 for my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideations. I’ve tried to be fairly transparent when it comes to my mental health journey, mostly for the kids I’ve been fortunate enough to coach, but also for those who suffer in silence like I did for so long. But if I’m being honest, I’ve carried so much shame throughout the last chapter of my life that I tried to be invisible for a while.
Last fall I had my second manic break down as a result of the antidepressants I was prescribed. One thing you’ll learn as you navigate the mental health space is that diagnoses and treatment are f•cking complicated. I’ve been so blessed with an incredible therapist who I see at least once a week, but have been burned by more psychiatrists than I can count. In November I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and my own ignorance/judgement damn near took it as a death sentence. Out of nowhere I spontaneously inherited all of the stigmas and Hollywood portrayals of someone with a “severe mental illness”, and forgot who I was. That harsh self judgment and insecurity manifested over time and led to me shutting down. It got to the point I was fighting for every minute of every day just to convince myself to be here, and as a result everything suffered. In a few short sentences that may seem like a dramatic response, but one of these days I’ll go into further detail about why that diagnosis was so hard to swallow.
Right before Christmas I found out I was fired from LHS after failing to live up to the off-season expectations of a varsity head coach. For anyone who knows me, they know that was everything. It wasn’t just a job. It wasn’t just a game. It was my purpose. It was what defined me and ultimately saved me from myself... what I later discovered in therapy is that it’s the only future I had ever seen for myself. (Read comments to continue)
I had a dream that I was a monster. I would devour everything in sight, but my appetite would remain unsatisfied. I would hunger for food, for people, for things to place in my room, and for things to place on my body. But I would forget them easily and still want more.
When something unpleasant comes up, my moods swing from hot to cold as I search for something to devour. I numb my thoughts. My feelings. My ideas. My obsessions. I quiet them with a feast. Yet when the meal is over, I am still empty.
I become whatever is around me. I fill myself with the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of those I'm with in a second attempt to fill my stomach. I lose myself for small moments of validation from others.
My body wants me to stop and feel. I know that I need to acknowledge what is happening, but my excuse is that I am too busy. With what? I am not sure.
It is easy to have intense highs and extreme lows when you are never full. All emotions just pass right through and are fleeting. What I want is stability. Neutrality. Peace. Quiet. That's it.
Nas noites de folga pegava em mim e apanhava o autocarro para Lisboa. Sempre que entrava no autocarro, o meu corpo sabia que ia partir para a aventura, é uma sensação de formigueiro que começa no lado direito do cérebro que passa para as mãos até aos pés.
Precisava daquele zumbido nova sensação, a emoção do desconhecido, a busca de novas respostas que empurram os meus limites, apenas ir sem ter de domar os meus sentimentos.
Uma excitação, como se tivesse ligada à rede elétrica. Sentia que o meu cérebro entrava em fast-foward e não havia interruptor.
Mas, como já tentei explicar, estes eram os momentos de euforia que sentia. Quando este momento terminava e dava espaço à depressão quase psicótica, não conseguia sentir mais nada. Não há descanso dos gritos internos, das horas de isolação.
A sanidade é apenas uma mente limitada. Posso mudar as emoções sem vocês nunca perceberem a realidade do que sinto naquele momento. Cada segundo de cada minuto de cada hora sinto que tudo o que posso fazer é flutuar num nada.”
Radiate Positivity 🌻 | Be a light for someone today ☀️ .
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When it comes to thinking, sometimes less is more.
I saw this Mediterranean cypress this morning and was struck by it’s magnificence. Unfortunately I went home and Googled, “Mediterranean cypress,” and found out that for centuries the tree is associated with death and the underworld, in modern times it remains the principal cemetery tree in both the Muslim world and Europe. I wonder if I can go back to my tree and see it as wonderful as I did before I learned that it was the tree of death? Sometimes it helps not to think, just to see.
3 Stunden Schlaf...
Solang habe ich heute nacht geschlafen und ich bin dennoch topfit...
Gestern habe ich das Werkzeug sortiert. Zwei Koffer voll mit Schrauben und drei Kisten mit jeder Menge Werkzeug.
Danach hab ich mein Näh Zimmer neu sortiert und aufgeräumt. Nen Spiegel aufgehängt. Zwischendurch hab ich meinen Haushalt gemacht und den Göttergatten angeschnauzt weil er mich unsanft drauf angesprochen hat ob ich ne manische habe und er sich Sorgen machen muss. Ich wollte das nicht hören...
Als ich ihm dann bei seiner nachtschicht geschrieben habe das er wohl recht hatte kam nur: hallo, du hast heute Schrauben sortiert.
Hmm... Heute hab ich auch schon den Haushalt gemacht, meine Stoffe neu eingeräumt und die kleine versorgt... .
Manie, das kleine Monster in meinem Kopf das versucht das Chaos zu ordnen und dabei alles nur noch schlimmer macht. Ich versuche mich zu beschäftigen, sinnvoll... Habe Hummeln im Hintern und im Kopf herrscht Chaos...