It’s that time of the year again. The time where everything comes crashing down one after the other. The time where everything changes so rapidly and you can’t keep up. It’s that time where you’re forced to make life-changing decisions and you have no clue what is the right thing to do or which way to go.
It’s that time where life feels like a challenging test you just can’t pass. A long race you can’t seem to win. A tough battle you just can’t fight. It’s that time where you feel the strains and pressure of adulthood, of being a responsible adult who has to make sensible decisions. It’s that time where everything you’ve been trying to hide from comes crawling back to haunt you.
And as a human being, you’re compelled to pretend like it’s not important, like things will work themselves out, but all I know for sure is when these moments strike you like a blizzard, when the battles are just piling up on your shoulders, that’s when you really need to get up and fight with all your power. That’s when you really need to toughen up and make all the hard decisions. That’s when you really have to be a force to reckon with.
You may not always have the right plan or the right answer. You may not end up taking the right road or making the right choice. You might slip up and fall short and bump your head against the wall but if you’re ready to face these ugly moments, if you’re ready to come face to face with your demons, if you’re willing to fight for your life when everyone is expecting you to give up, then all these moments will serve as stepping stones to a better path. They will be your destiny towards something better; a better life, a better you, a better future.
Because pressure makes diamonds and for you to shine, you’ll have to understand the darkness first. For you to understand life, it will drive you crazy a few hundred times before you finally get it. You’ll find the truth you’ve been seeking or it will find you but for that to happen, you’ll need to put up one hell of a fight first; but know that those who fight for the truth, those who fight for a better life, those who fight for love seldom lose.
I’m sorry for not loving you enough. I’m sorry for always putting you through hell expecting you to be happy and calm. I’m sorry for always promising never to hurt you again yet I always fall back on my word. I’m sorry I don’t take care of you as properly as I should.
I’m sorry for being reckless with you. I don’t stop you when I know you’re about to fall into a tricky situation. I don’t warn you when I can see the red flags clearly. I don’t always tell you the truth. I’m sorry if I sometimes feed you the lies you want to hear.
I’m sorry for not learning from my previous mistakes. I’m sorry I keep putting you through the same situation over and over again. I’m sorry for exhausting you and asking you to handle more than you can take. I’m sorry for filling you with heartache and sorrow instead of love and joy. I’m still learning my lessons too and I’m sorry if you have to go through it all with me.
I’m sorry for asking you to settle for a lot less than what you truly desire, a lot less than what you deserve and a lot less than what you truly wish for. I’m sorry for giving you bits and pieces of the love you’re capable of. I’m sorry for putting you in a position where you can’t truly give your all. I’m sorry for all the half-love you’ve received.
And I promise you that the next time I put you on the line, it will be everything you ever truly wished for and more. It will be nothing short of the love you always wanted. It will make up for every little cut and every little crack I caused. I promise it will be the kind of love that heals you. The kind of love that puts you back together and makes you beat like you’ve never been hurt or broken before.
You deserve the world and watch me give it to you. I learned my lesson now. I promise you that the next time I take you on a new journey with me, we’re going home. The home you’ve been searching for. Another heart to resuscitate all the beats that died inside of you. Another heart to fill all the emptiness that surrounds you.
Trust me this time I mean it. It’s the least I could give you. You’ve been through enough with me and now it's time for me to make it right again.
I hope you don’t become another one of them.
Another story of how I fooled myself,
a reminder of my bad decisions
another name to add to the list of people
I don’t want to see again.
I hope you don’t become another story
I tell my daughter
when she asks me about the men
she needs to avoid.
I hope you don’t become another lesson
God teaches me the hard way
I hope you don’t become another joke
my friends use to remind me of my embarrassing past.
I hope you don’t become another person
my mom wishes I never met
I hope you don’t become all the things
she told me to look out for
I hope you don’t do all the things
she warned me you might do.
I hope you don’t become another classic
in my book of relationships;
I hope you don’t become another story
I write about for the broken hearted
I hope you don’t become another face
I’m forced to forget
I hope you don’t become another stranger
who once knew too much about me.
I hope you don’t become another story
the universe just wasn’t rooting for
I hope this story is full of sparks
I hope it’s full of flames
that won’t burn me in the end.
I hope you don’t become another wound
I need to heal from
or another scar
I need to conceal.
I thought love looked a lot like this; you meet someone who comes from a totally different world and you try to make it work. Even though their world drives you crazy. Even though their world is nothing like yours. You just make it work and try to be a blooming flower in their infertile soil. But more often than not, two very different worlds collide. More often than not, someone is going to eventually realize that one of these worlds is just unlivable.
And as much as I want to be the person who immerses herself into someone else’s world, I can’t really do that while I’m still searching for mine.
I can’t be part of a world I don’t see myself living or a world where I can’t be unapologetically myself.
Because when you like apples and I like oranges, our meals will always leave a bitter taste.
When you like rock and I like country, we’ll always be humming a different tune.
When you find meaning in things that sparkle and I find meaning in things that deeply move me, we’ll always shine differently.
And it makes me wonder if this is what love truly looks like or if that’s what we’ve been told.
Shouldn’t love feel like home? Shouldn’t we feel like the other person is our better half? Shouldn’t we in a foolish way, feel like we complete each other?
There shouldn’t be too much bending and compromising, there shouldn’t be too many things to accept or change, there shouldn’t be too many differences because eventually you get lost in that world. Eventually, you pretend that it’s your world too, until you can no longer lie to yourself.
And maybe I don’t know what love looks like it, but it surely doesn’t look like that.
Because love doesn’t mean finding a world that makes you forget about yours, love doesn’t throw you into a world that makes you feel like you’re not safe or that you’ll never be good enough for it. Love is supposed to show you a better one.
And maybe love looks a lot like this; walking into someone’s world with your world by your side and they don’t crash, they don’t collapse, they don’t fall apart. They blend in together creating a kaleidoscopic masterpiece.
There’s no room in my heart for any more confusion. I don’t know how to deal with confusing behavior anymore. I’ve lost the energy and the will to spend days and nights analyzing every word or the real meaning behind certain actions. I’ve lost the ability to keep up with hot and cold behavior, with inconsistency and minimal effort.
There’s no room in my heart for any more setbacks. I’m done putting my life on hold waiting for the perfect declaration of love. I’m done trying to accommodate those who can’t keep their promises or those who can’t make up their minds. I’m done trying to prove my worth to someone. I’m done fighting for those who aren’t afraid of losing me.
There’s no room in my heart for any more goodbyes. I’ve said them all. I’ve said them over and over again. I know them all too well. Now, I only have room for those who want to stay in my life willingly. Now, I only have room for those who know exactly what they want from me and what I mean to them. Now, I only have room for those who can bring stability, warmth and honesty. Now, I only have room for those who don’t have any intention to walk away.
There’s no room in my heart for any more secrets. I’m tired of hiding who I really am or trying to suppress my feelings. I’m tired of curbing my vulnerability. I’m tired of covering my scars. I’m tired of pretending. There’s no room in my heart for those who can’t embrace who I truly am. I don’t have the tolerance anymore to keep a rein on all the parts of me that I need to unleash. I don’t have the patience anymore to bite my tongue when I all I really want to do is speak my mind.
There’s no room in my heart for any more lies. I’ve heard them all. I’ve lived through each one of them and now my heart is drained. It’s exhausted. My heart now just wants peace, love and honesty. There’s no fun in challenges and difficulties and heartbreak. There’s no fun in giving someone your heart when you know they can’t protect it.
There’s no room in my heart for any more cracks. My heart just wants to heal. My heart just wants to be whole again.
There’s tremendous strength in surrendering to God and the plans he has for you. There’s strength in believing that everything can crumble and it will still generate something beautiful, something meaningful, something that will change your life. There’s strength in knowing that even in destruction, God is building something better for you.
There’s strength in surrendering to God’s timing. It’s the hardest lesson, it’s the toughest test - waiting- wondering if it will ever happen, wondering if it will happen when it’s too late, wondering if you will still want it when you finally receive it. There’s strength in waiting and in being okay if you never truly get what you wished for because one way or another God will replace that lost time. One way or another, God will make up for all the time you stayed up praying, wishing and waiting.
There’s tremendous strength in having blind faith in God. Even during losses, even during illnesses, even during breakdowns. There’s strength in accepting what you can’t understand. There’s strength in expecting a rainbow after the hurricane. There’s strength in knowing that you will never predict the future or know for sure how your life will turn out but you’re hopeful anyway. You know that as long as you’re still here, as long as you’re still alive, God has a purpose for you. Your story is not done yet. Your happy ending is still in the making.
There’s tremendous strength in solitude if you know how to talk to God. There’s strength in fighting battles that only he knows about. There’s strength in waking up every morning when you were crying your eyes out to him the night before. There’s strength in leaning on him when your body and soul are crashing. There’s even strength in feeling helpless when you count on God to help you.
And there’s tremendous strength in having no idea how to completely surrender to God yet trying to do it anyway. That’s all that counts. In the end, God will never fail you but sometimes he will put you through the most difficult tests first.
Maybe there’s still another lesson for me to learn with you.
Maybe there’s still another story waiting to unfold.
Maybe this was meant to be an intermission, not a goodbye.
Maybe there’s a reason why I keep going back to you.
Maybe we still have unfinished business.
Maybe there’s a part of you that still searches for me.
Maybe avoiding you is not the answer after all.
Maybe we still have more adventures to go on now that we’ve healed.
Maybe we still need each other because we couldn’t fill that void with anyone else.
Maybe we miss each other even though we’re not allowed to say it out loud.
Maybe we’re not supposed to pretend that we’re okay when we’re not.
Maybe the universe caught wind of our lies.
Maybe this whole thing isn’t over yet.
Maybe this time we could go back to every place we cried in and find happiness again.
Maybe this time we could try to remember the things that made us fall in love with each other in the first place.
Maybe this time we could try to appreciate the things we took for granted.
Maybe this time we could try to be patient. We could try to be kind.
Maybe this whole time we didn’t know any better.
Maybe this whole time we were foolish.
Maybe this is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Maybe this time, it’s truly a one-way ticket.
Maybe this time we could find love again in every corner that once broke our hearts.
You always told me that I’m a tough one, that if anyone can make it out of the storm alive, it’s me. You always believed in me a little too much. You always made me feel invincible even on my weakest days, but today, it’s my turn to return the favor. Today it’s my turn to tell you what you’ve always told me.
Today I want to tell you that I’ve always admired you. I admire your strength that carried us through the toughest battles. I admire your light that led us through the darkest nights. I admire your compassion that forgave us through our worst behaviors. I admire your love that never crumbled when we made you suffer. I admire your smile that gave us hope throughout the saddest moments. I admire you because you do everything I can’t do. You do everything that terrifies me so fearlessly.
Today I want to tell you that I’ve always watched you when you weren’t looking. I watched you rise up after every fall. I watched you fight your toughest battles alone. I watched you ask people to lean on you when you needed someone to lean on. I watched you give all your love away without asking for anything in return. I watched how selfless and patient you were and how you dealt with everything that could break any human being in the most empowering way. I’ve always watched you so I could become, at least, half the person you are today.
Today I want to tell you that I can only hope. I hope that one day you can let me reverse our roles. You finally let me carry you through your burdens, you finally count on my strength when you can’t find your own, you finally count on my love and support when you feel like you don't have anyone else to run to and I hope that one day you can let me return at least a fraction of your favors, a fraction of your love or a fraction of your kindness.
And I hope this day is today.
Because today, I want to tell you that even if this whole world betrays you, you will always have me. That if things fall apart and you feel like you have to fight your battles alone, that you will always be safe because I’ll be here fighting for you. Fighting alongside you.
I’m good at it. You taught me how.
Girls who come from broken homes are always questioning how someone really feels about them, what their true intentions are, what their true colors are really like and if it’s only a matter of time before they walk away because they know that scenario all too well. They know that promises can be broken and that love can easily die. They’ve seen their home slowly collapse.
Girls who come from broken homes don’t always know what’s it like to be whole, a piece of them is always lost, a piece of them is always broken and a piece of them is always trying to remember what it felt like to be part of something, to belong, to have a real shelter from everything that’s wrong with the world.
Girls who come from broken homes were taught that love is meaningless, that love hurts and that they’re better off on their own. They were taught to never need a man too much or believe in happily ever after. They were taught to guard their hearts because love only brings pain. Love only brings suffering and a healthy relationship doesn’t exist.
Girls who come from broken homes got used to the stereotypical labels; damaged, dramatic, daddy issues, complicated, tough, hard to handle. But the truth is, as much as they could be hard to love, they love the hardest. Their love is unmatched. Once they love, they will give everything they’ve been missing, everything they’ve been needing and everything they’ve been suppressing. Once they love, they vow to make it work. They vow to fill their home with the love they didn’t feel in their own. They vow to never make their partner feel neglected because they know how it feels and they vow to always keep the relationship intact, to never let themselves live through another broken home again.
Girls who come from broken homes rarely fall in love, but once they do, they will make it their happily ever after. They vow to make this one last forever. They vow to make their home, the one they always dreamed of. The one they always longed for. The one that’s too strong and too secure to ever break.
Here's what they don't tell you about growing up. They don’t tell you that at times, you will find yourself at a crossroads and you will have to count on your intuition and your gut to lead you. They don’t tell you that even if you have all the signs in the world, if you don’t think a road is for you, you will have to walk another one alone. They don’t tell you that sometimes you will find yourself in the middle of nowhere, living a life you didn’t wish for, doing things you said you’d never do just to make ends meet, just to survive, just to live another day.
They don’t tell you that love gets more complicated as you get older, it’s not the romance that will sweep you off your feet, it’s not the fairytale you imagined when you were fourteen dreaming of a white picket fence and a knight in shining armor. After a few heartbreaks, your heart begins to change. You think too much before giving someone a chance, you’re always guarding your heart even when you’re falling in love, you’re always thinking about the moment they leave or the moment you have to walk away. You’re always hoping for the best but expecting the worst. You’re always second-guessing their feelings and your own. You’re always ready to be alone again.
They don’t tell you that you will have to accept that certain things are over; the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the family portrait, the ideal friendships. They don’t tell you that things can change overnight and you will have to deal with the mess and the aftermath.
But they also don’t tell you that as you get older, you get better at healing, you get better at learning, you get better at facing it all without losing your mind. You learn that life still goes on without some people. You learn that you can get caught up in a hurricane and come out of it unscathed.
They don’t tell you that growing up is a project you’ll have to work on for the rest of your life, but the good news is, you’ll always find within you what it takes to complete that project. You’ll always find within you what it takes to do it yourself.
They don’t tell you that growing up is a lot tougher than you think, but so are you.
It’s never a good idea to go back to the person who broke your heart. It’s never a good idea to trust someone who gave you more than one reason not to trust them. It’s never a good idea to let them back into your life hoping that they will change. It’s never a good idea to hand your heart to the same person who threw it away like it was nothing.
It’s never a good idea to believe someone who lied to you a hundred times before. It’s never a good idea to believe their words and not watch their actions. It’s never a good idea to give them that right again; the right to get away with their lies, the right to come back into your life and continue to be dishonest and the right to take advantage of your kind heart again.
It’s never a good idea to lean on them when times get rough because you know that they have a habit of disappointing you when you need them the most and you know they have a habit of causing you more pain. It’s never a good idea to ask them for support because you know it’s going to be temporary, you know that as soon as you start feeling better, they’ll go back to their old ways. You know that they will always put themselves first.
It’s never a good idea to block other people out of your life because of them. People who could love you the way you want to be loved. People who are willing to give you exactly what you’re looking for. People who just want a real chance to win your heart. It’s never a good idea to break someone else’s heart for the person who broke yours. Look for someone who can heal your heart instead.
It’s never a good idea to believe that the person who broke your heart is the same person who can fix it because sometimes the pain is too deep to forget, you can still hear their hurtful words, you can still feel your heart aching and no matter how forgiving you are, some things are just unforgivable and sometimes you can’t really repair the damage. You can’t really repair your heart.
It’s never a good idea to go back to the person who broke your heart because nine times out of ten, they will break it again. Nine times out of ten, they will tell you everything you want to hear and go do the exact opposite.
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you have to always be ready to face certain battles alone. Your inner demons, your worst fears, and your own suffering because at the end of the day no one will truly understand your demons, no one will understand the damage, no one will understand the storms you hold within, no one will understand but you.
If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you can’t really predict what life will bring you because things can change overnight. One day you’re on cloud nine and the next day you’re hitting rock bottom. One day your phone lights up with the exact words you want to hear and the next day you're receiving the news you’ve been fearing. One day you're planning a future with someone and the next day you're packing your bags and leaving. One day it looks like you’re finally getting things right and the next day your life is turned upside down forcing you to start over.
And I know that on some days you just want life to slow down, you wish that you could stop battling and start living. You want to be fought for instead of being the fighter, you want to be held instead of holding everything together and you want to be understood instead of drowning in a sea of your own confusion. But if you’re meant to face the hardest of battles alone, if you're meant to keep fighting with little to no help, then maybe it can only get better from there, you can only rebuild after destruction. You can only find peace after war.
I guess what keeps me going is knowing that we all get what we deserve in the end, what we work so hard for and what our hearts truly desire. Because just as things can change for the worse overnight, they can also change for the better. Just as things suddenly disappear, life can magically hand you more blessings.
And maybe you’re not meant to win every battle or get all the answers right but as long as you still know how to stand tall every time life knocks you down, you will prevail.
Ironically, life becomes easier when you know that even if you lose all your battles, as long as you haven’t lost yourself, you’re still a winner.